Fill me up, Lord

"You will seek me, & find me when you seek me w/ all your heart," God says. But that is not the whole story. I'm not just a searcher. I'm also a hider. You too. We have to come face-to-face w/ our tendency to hide, to get lost. ~John Ortberg, Love Beyond Reason

Monday, August 28, 2006


I was going to delete the church post, because I was starting to feel it was slanderous. I don't regret writing it, but I think it has served its purpose. But then I read Milk Machine's comment, and I think I am keeping it.

It was a VERY interesting weekend.... Friday I was convinced I would be going to Willow on Sun., then Sat. I told my parents I'd be joining them for church. Sunday, I got my act together & went to my regular church. And we had another "ministry update". As soon as I saw that, I almost shat in my shorts because I was thinking, "crap, someone else resigned!". But thankfully, no one did!

During the sermon, Pastor C referenced the conflict we are currently going through. He stated his commitment to being at this church, and that we shouldn't think that just because we are going through a hard time, we need to go somewhere else until this "business" is over. He said we need to commit and stick it through.

Whammo! Was that God or what? Regardless, it doesn't mean I will make the right decision, but then how does that fall in line with this week's Bible study on OBEDIENCE. Maybe, I answered my own question. God doesn't want our gifts and sacrifices so much as our obedience. Blech. I stink in that category.

He also announced we are 10% behind in our budget, and I was secretly glad. I know that is terrible.

I am feeling good about slavery for the first time in about two years. I am excited to go to work each day. My clients are cute, slow, and don't follow directions. I think it's time to bring out the "mean queen" technique. Every day seems new, & it feels good to work hard & come home feeling tired -but a good tired. It's good to have place and purpose for each day. God did create us for work. Work was on the Earth before the fall even. I pray that I would be willing to a humble learner, & that I would show mercy & forgiveness, and give GRACE.

Right now I LACK faith! (Hebrews 11:1)
Faith = waiting=trust, humility, hope

Never having the life I want scares me so much. It would be disappointing. I think I am wanting God to love me the way I WANT HIM to love me. I know that is selfish & arrogant & really clear evidence that I do not comprehend GOD and who He is, but that is where I am at.

I am so thankful for this season of hunger and eating of God's Holy Word. In order for me to apply God's solutions for managing obstacles, I have to have an accurate understanding of God's Word. I am reading through Mark, and I go through several passages in Philippians, Ephesians, I John & Colossians.

I see God in my life through the relationships that I have, who want me when I feel unwantable. People lately have been just calling me out of the blue "just to talk". Hmmm.... GOD SIGHTING!


Right now I am webbing:
RISK: unsafe, unknown, not in control
FEAR: unsafe; allowing isolation as a result of;

My book title:
If God is Enough, why can't I _____________ .
(I do not have a publisher yet.)

Ears: no tumors; no solutions;
will live with clogging, popping, & ringing. There are worse things in life.
Foot: not limping, still hurting; will not go to witch doctor anymore. He is in the Edgebrook section of Chicago. Whatever! Lesson Learned: BUY I-PASS, stupid!!!!!

Question... Can you look good on a budget? I am not sure. And I stubbornly, I don't want to find out. Kohl's alone freaks me out. I went to TJMaxx's the other day, and almost threw up.

What is the connection between over-spending and a lack of organization?
(please don't say selfishness or chemical imbalance, because I have explored both of those)

Quotable from MTV's the Real World: (I'm serious!):
"Self-love is the best human love you can receive."

from Oprah's "Viewers Favorite Moments"
-I may have posted this before; please don't knock Oprah; yes she is somewhat self-help/new agey; no, she is not my god & I don't belong to the Church of Oprah;

"God can dream a bigger dream than you could ever dream for yourself."
"There are no coincidences."

"A woman was feeling down emotionally & financially, but some how was able to get a hold of a used pair of "Oprah's shoes". Whenever she felt down, she would put them on, & feel more confident.... and soon she was confident, and she didn't need the shoes anymore!

If you can't step into your shoes, step into Oprah's. Call upon your "inner Oprah". (Oprah = your authentic, confident, self-actualized, purposed woman). Soon you'll be standing on your own in your own shoes."

(please fill in God where you need to; & His strength/grace for the shoes & what have you)

My biggest lesson that keeps coming up and up and up....
Grace = forgiveness & the power to overcome temptation & sin = God always gives us a way out= He doesn't give us anything we can't handle=He endures suffering with us. It is used to draw us closer to Him & so that His glory can be seen through me.


  • At 11:56 AM, August 29, 2006, Blogger Catherine said…

    Interesting...we need faith about having faith. What a circle!

    You can definetly look good on a budget -- I do, right? (I mean, before I was pregnant) and I have the strongest, most unhealthy urges to NOT spend money of anyone I know. And I don't shop Kohl's or TJMax...

  • At 12:35 PM, August 29, 2006, Blogger Literacygirl said…

    Where do you go??? I need nice prof stuff for work. The girls on my team dress very hott-ish and hippish. I wanna up my stuff.

  • At 2:48 PM, August 29, 2006, Blogger nyukers said…

    Hey--don't knock Kohl's--that's where a lot of my work clothes come from--but I dress more for comfort--love the clearance rack.
    My friend Karen always looks good on a budget--she does a lot of sale shopping at Macys.

    Actually there is a huge emotional connection between over spending and organization-I recently had this conversation with my therapist. Because I can't control so much of what is going on in my life and feel like I can't organize it--I do things I can control--like shop and eat.

    I think we find meaning where we want it and you are choosing to be obedient--I personally would choose going to wherever I thought was best for me. Who we choose to be obedient to is the question.

  • At 2:52 PM, August 29, 2006, Blogger nyukers said…

    I forgot--I like my clients this year as well--they are interesting. I am being mean--but they are going to learn to be responsible.
    I sent one out for being sassy today--it made me feel better!!!!!!!

  • At 9:02 PM, August 29, 2006, Anonymous Melissa in Plano said…

    Yes, you can look good on a budget!
    I almost never pay full price anymore. Always go with a coupon or shop only the sale racks. Actually Ross or Marshall's are great alternatives to get the good stuff. However, I can't remember if you guys have those up there or not. When you go to the discount places, ask when they get new shipments in. I got a bunch of really cute capri pants from the Limited for $14.99 each (at Marshalls)!
    Be Brave! Go Discount!

    Miss you!


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