Fill me up, Lord

"You will seek me, & find me when you seek me w/ all your heart," God says. But that is not the whole story. I'm not just a searcher. I'm also a hider. You too. We have to come face-to-face w/ our tendency to hide, to get lost. ~John Ortberg, Love Beyond Reason

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Pepsi & Banking

When you are depressed, there's nothing like drinking a good, cold Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi. Or as my cousin Gretchen calls them, "No-No Cokes". (No sugar, no caffeine)

Totally off subject, can I tell you how MUCH I love paying my bills online? It is SUCH a pleasure, and I have now become one of those people who balances their check book at least 1-2x a day. It's crazy! I never even used to open my bank statements.

As I was looking through my check book today, I can't believe all the freaking $$ and TIME I am spending at Jewel and Dominicks! Like what the heck? I should buy stock! And I know not all of it is groceries, but I end up buying stuff for a party, or for school or something...must analyze and process....

I have a problem. Like, "hi my name is literacygirl and i am a compulsive credit card payor". Okay, so some of you know that I have this credit card debt that I am really striving to pay off. Okay, here's my time to be real and authentic with y'all: I went through a period where I didn't open my mail. I didn't even get my mail. I got warnings from the post office that they were going to stop all delivery even. I used to run up really high charges on my credit card, and then I wouldn't pay the co. for 3-4 months. Eventually, after they phone harrassed me, I'd make a payment. And, I would pay the amount in full! Well, then I stopped babysitting and quit my part-time job. I had no idea how this would affect my lifestyle. I never even gave it a 2nd thought. I didn't even know I had a "lifestyle". This economic change was about $6,000 annually. So, with the lack of funds coming in, and me not paying these bills, and I wasn't even OPENING my bills, or GETTING the mail, things finally came to a head. And I had to GET REAL as Dr. Phil says.

Okay, so now I really don't even use my credit cards. But I am still working on paying 2 of them off. I have made great progress on this over the past year. I paid one other one off, I am half way done with the other, and still have my DISCOVER which is the one I use in an emergency.

Here's where the confession comes in. I cannot WAIT to have this credit card paid off. Everytime I make a payment, I seriously get a rush and a high. I mean you have no idea!!! The problem is, I get super exciting about paying it off, and then I decide, "OOOOH, I should make an EXTRA payment!". And every once in awhile that is fine. But then I get a little crazy in la cabeza and start paying the card off with money I don't even have. And it's all online, so I am just clicking away. The feeling I get from doing this is so extreme....I feel like a compulsive gambler, I just can't stop. But I must (sigh).

3 Comments:

  • At 10:32 PM, May 20, 2006, Blogger Catherine said…

    You said:

    "Okay, so now I really don't even use my credit cards. But I am still working on paying 2 of them off. I have made great progress on this over the past year. I paid one other one off, I am half way done with the other, and still have my DISCOVER which is the one I use in an emergency."

    Good for you LiteracyGirl!!
    Do you know WHY you did/do these things?

     
  • At 1:12 PM, May 21, 2006, Blogger Literacygirl said…

    Good for you LiteracyGirl!!
    Do you know WHY you did/do these things?

    What things? Why did I overspend on my credit card? Because I had no idea how much income I had going in. With my extra job, I could pretty much do as I pleased.

    In terms of not opening mail... simply avoidance issues, also my organizational issue of "Where do I put it?".

    I think a lot of it is organizationally related. Plus, really when I had my part time job, I did not have a budget, I spended as I pleased, and always had 5-6000 in my checking account at a time.

    You know what, I bet my mortgage had a lot to do with it too, in terms of my cash flow being lower. I didn't think of that.

     
  • At 1:11 PM, May 22, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Literacy Girl:

    This is too cool that you have a blog. Now I can enjoy your random thoughts and profound insights all the time (not just the few times I year that I see you)! Anyway, I totally relate to the confession about not opening mail. I mean, I usually do, but there have been weeks / seasons where it all goes into a pile - that I ignore as it gets bigger. I usually open and pay the bills - but I have missed a few critical pieces of correspondence (like license plate renewal or changes to my condo association policy) because it went un-opened in the ignored pile. Aaack! It's a response to feeling overwhelmed with responsibility - plus an organizational thing for me, too - I just don't have a good system or place to deal with it all.

    By the way this is my first blog post EVER!! How exciting!

     

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“And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, arrayed like a bride adorned for her husband; and then I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “See! The tabernacle of God is among men, and He will live among them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be death; there will no longer be sorrow and anguish, or crying, or pain; for the former order of things has passed away.”” (Revelation 21: 2-4)

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